If
you’re anything like me, you hate that television is filled with trailer trash
whores who get knocked up at 16. If you’re also like me you like to sit at home
drinking hot cocoa with Jack Daniels in it while watching a marathon of Star Wars, The Dark Knight, Easy A,
and The Little Mermaid, yes in that
order. Why do I do this on a Friday night? Mainly because I don’t like to spend
money in two consecutive days after being out till 3AM the night before, but
also because there’s no one to go out with. My love life is about as hollow as
Paris Hilton’s head .
I
mean, I’m glad I’m single because I don’t have to be embarrassed knowing I’m
one of those boyfriends who are so obsessed with their significant other that
their instagram feed is overflowing with pictures of them in their underwear
and I forget who my friends are. Don’t have time for those people. I just want
a guy who I can go get drunk with and go to McDonalds and Midtown Comics with
is that so hard? Apparently yes. Why do I know this? Because OkCupid told me
so. Apparently there is no one out
there who’s a homosexual gay that enjoys these things, Everyone on this damn
site has to have athletic bodies and like going to the gym and raves.
I’m
pretty sure everybody has had an OkCupid once in their life. It’s really funny
when your on and see people you go to school with (yeah I know who you are). I
just disabled mine but I have no problem saying that I have had about 5 in the
past 4 years. The reason I keep
deleting is because every date I go on from OkCupid, there’s always something
wrong with my date. I once went out with a guy who was such a dick to me on our
date and I asked why and he said that we were only a 65% match on OkCupid. This
guy was also obsessed with France and hated Disney, even Toy Story, so this guy had obvious issues. He also thought he
looked like Orlando Bloom, fucker didn’t look shit like Orlando Bloom that was
like me saying I look like Jennifer Garner. I don’t get the match percentage thing, like are supposed to
be a 100% match? I wouldn’t like that, I know I’m a horrible egotistical and
annoying person so why would I want to date someone who is just like me? I
would kill other me!
The
other thing is I hate people on OkCupid who make their first message to you an
entire novel. All I ever write is “hey dude” and that’s it. I get very
irritated by people who write something like:
“Well salutations
there cutie patootie! You have such beautiful eyes and a sexy smile. I saw that
you’re only 21. You’re old enough to be my son! I have two. It’s okay though
you seem like such a sweet and genuine person. I liked your Star Wars quote that
Han Solo says. Much better than writing ‘The Force is Strong With This One’.
Although I do prefer Star Trek. So what do you like to do? Like ice cream?
Movies? My name is Earl. I live in New Jersey but you can come here if you
want, I make great pasta. Hit me up sometime, I’ll give you my home phone
number! Hope to hear from you soon :)”
You
see what I mean? HOME phone number? Are we in a 1997 sitcom with the Olsen
twins or something? One of the many reasons I disabled it. If had to decide for a friend whether
they should get an OkCupid or not, I’d say “yes”, much like trying to watch Batman & Robin, that one with George
Clooney, I believe everybody should try it at least once. But much like the movie, you won’t be
able to get through the entire thing.
