OkStupid

If you’re anything like me, you hate that television is filled with trailer trash whores who get knocked up at 16. If you’re also like me you like to sit at home drinking hot cocoa with Jack Daniels in it while watching a marathon of Star Wars, The Dark Knight, Easy A, and The Little Mermaid, yes in that order. Why do I do this on a Friday night? Mainly because I don’t like to spend money in two consecutive days after being out till 3AM the night before, but also because there’s no one to go out with. My love life is about as hollow as Paris Hilton’s head .

I mean, I’m glad I’m single because I don’t have to be embarrassed knowing I’m one of those boyfriends who are so obsessed with their significant other that their instagram feed is overflowing with pictures of them in their underwear and I forget who my friends are. Don’t have time for those people. I just want a guy who I can go get drunk with and go to McDonalds and Midtown Comics with is that so hard? Apparently yes. Why do I know this? Because OkCupid told me so.  Apparently there is no one out there who’s a homosexual gay that enjoys these things, Everyone on this damn site has to have athletic bodies and like going to the gym and raves.

I’m pretty sure everybody has had an OkCupid once in their life. It’s really funny when your on and see people you go to school with (yeah I know who you are). I just disabled mine but I have no problem saying that I have had about 5 in the past 4 years.  The reason I keep deleting is because every date I go on from OkCupid, there’s always something wrong with my date. I once went out with a guy who was such a dick to me on our date and I asked why and he said that we were only a 65% match on OkCupid. This guy was also obsessed with France and hated Disney, even Toy Story, so this guy had obvious issues. He also thought he looked like Orlando Bloom, fucker didn’t look shit like Orlando Bloom that was like me saying I look like Jennifer Garner.  I don’t get the match percentage thing, like are supposed to be a 100% match? I wouldn’t like that, I know I’m a horrible egotistical and annoying person so why would I want to date someone who is just like me? I would kill other me!

The other thing is I hate people on OkCupid who make their first message to you an entire novel. All I ever write is “hey dude” and that’s it. I get very irritated by people who write something like:

“Well salutations there cutie patootie! You have such beautiful eyes and a sexy smile. I saw that you’re only 21. You’re old enough to be my son! I have two. It’s okay though you seem like such a sweet and genuine person. I liked your Star Wars quote that Han Solo says. Much better than writing ‘The Force is Strong With This One’. Although I do prefer Star Trek. So what do you like to do? Like ice cream? Movies? My name is Earl. I live in New Jersey but you can come here if you want, I make great pasta. Hit me up sometime, I’ll give you my home phone number! Hope to hear from you soon :)”

You see what I mean? HOME phone number? Are we in a 1997 sitcom with the Olsen twins or something? One of the many reasons I disabled it.  If had to decide for a friend whether they should get an OkCupid or not, I’d say “yes”, much like trying to watch Batman & Robin, that one with George Clooney, I believe everybody should try it at least once.  But much like the movie, you won’t be able to get through the entire thing.