It's The Great Slut Whore Charlie Brown!

It’s The Great Slut-Whore Charlie Brown!

By Chris Calfa

As a person born on this day, I can rightfully say that Halloween is the best holiday next to Arbor Day and Yom Kippur. Halloween is for everybody, for little kids it’s to dress up as your favorite cartoon character and march in the embarrassing parades at elementary school and then indulge in candy, for preteens it’s for running around in black hoodies and egg your principals house, for high schoolers and up it’s for dressing like a hooker and get wasted, and as for me it’s for being able to use my costuming abilities and be classy while chugging whiskey. I take Halloween very seriously and I believe everybody should, even my non-supportive friends who won’t even wear costumes (losers).

A controversy lately with Halloween isn’t the murders or the drugs; it’s the slutiness of the costumes. I’m not sure why this is a problem because I enjoy sluts. They’re my favorite people next to lesbians and winos.  If you think about it, it makes everything easier, while kids have to walk house to house to get candy, girls can just put their legs over their head to get candy. It’s a season of getting.

But of course just because something has the word sexy in it does not mean it is. There are some pretty stupid sexy costumes around Ricky’s such as Slutty Finding Nemo and Anna Rexia. But have no fear ladies, because after this past year, the Prince of Halloween, Chris Calfa has some great and sexual ideas for what YOU could be for Halloween 2012

15. Slutty Snow White- this was her most exposed year, could be yours too ;)

14. Slutty Super Heroes- Avengers, Spiderman, Catwoman etc…. just not Bane.

13. Slutty Naked Prince Harry- Don’t come near me. Who knows what I’ll do.

12.Slutty Amanda Bynes- just add dancing lobsters

11.Slutty Chick-Fil-A Chicken- They’ll love it.

10. Slutty Blue Ivy Carter

9.Slutty Angelina Jolie’s Oscar Leg- Not Angelina… Just her leg.

8.Slutty 50 Shades of Grey- more like 50 Shades of Gay

7.Slutty Psy- Go Go GangBang Style.

6.Slutty Rush Limbaugh- he deserves it

5. Slutty Ryan Lochte- All you need is to lose all your education

4. Slutty iPhone 5.

3.Slutty Tom Cruise and Katie Holme’s Marriage- A dress that’s half rainbow and half orange with a handcuff

2. Slutty Big Bird- with a Vote for Obama button

1. Slutty Apocalypse- Hey this may be our last Halloween!

So there are some great ideas I believe.

Here’s a real comment from a real student:

            “… Chris, I don’t get how half of these could be slutty… “

-       Megan Bruce, Senior, Theater Arts Major

-        

“…what...”

                        -     Alyssa Lawrence, Senior, Graphic Design Major

What’s Chris Being?

This year I’m being Hawkeye, Ariel, Superboy, and Robin, So suck it, I’m turning 21.

ALSO VOTE CHRIS FOR HOMECOMING PRINCE/KING

Chris Calfa Book Club Summer Selection

As most of you know, I've never been the biggest fan of reading. If you'v been in any class where I have to read a play, you can tell I'm reciting from my strong black ladyfriend, Wikipedia. When I was forced (influenced) by my former high school crush, Casey, to read the Twilight books before seeing the critically acclaimed film based on a true love story...oops.

Reading was stoopid to me, I felt we could spend our time doing more useful things like drinking and watching cartoons. I guess I was always a young one to just go to Blockbuster and rent the film without having to read the book. Didn't really help me out when I had to write about Romeo and Juliet in high school and I got off subject and started talking about how old Claire Danes is.

 Even after reading the first 40 pages of each Twilight book, throwing up, and fantasizing about RPatz, I didn't feel like an accomplished reader. Then this past year I was turned to two new medias that I have but ignored for too long, comic books and Chelsea Handler. I'm disgusted by the fact I never gave these two a chance when I was younger. Comic books brought out the inner story teller and artist inside of me while Chelsea brought out the slutty alcoholic inside of me. And I think we can agree I'm a better person now.

Oprah has a Book Club so I thought I would spread the word... Everyone should go out and buy THIS. Batman: The Long Halloween. Especially if you're a fan of Batman, this is better than any dumb book I've had to read in college so far. I finished it in a day. And people, it's not just a comic book, it's an amazing story.

If you're gonna start reading Chelsea Handler, start with My Horizontal Life: A Collection Of One Night Stands, it's her best book.

And you're all going home with a CAAAAARRR..... no I guess it only works if you're Oprah... oh well, go read children.