A Virgin Who Can't Drive

I don't understand how you could walk this streets let alone this world. Like this one girl in my art class from Russia named Oksana, who is like a mythical human being based on her life expiereinces similar to a 12 year old boy. Although she has a love for the women, she has never seen a vagina. She's seen a penis but freaked out, so we know she is definitely a Leslie or just stupid. So she's a virgin, she's never smoked pot, she never taken an aderol, she actually LIKES our art class with our heinous and creepy professor, and worse of all....she's a vegetarian....I don't know how this girl is alive but God Bless Her, God Bless us EVERYONE except for Donald Trump.

The Top 10 Songs That Made Me A Gay Child

As everyone but my Roman Catholic grandparents, mexicans, and freshman girls at my school can see, I am indeed of the flaming homosexual kind. As hard as I try to seem masculine with my tastes in Star Wars, Batman, The Eagles, Family Guy, and Tim Tebow there is unfortunately no hiding my princess like charm.And people are such morons thinking that you are "Born This Way" but baby, let me tell you that is not true. I think growing up with the Disney movies of the 90's and a mother who would clean our kitchen to Donna Summer I have become gayer as my life went on. When i was four years old I would pop the collar of my polo and pretend I was Snow White. I liked to bat my eyes, curtsy, and make my red and blue Power Rangers have sex. yes I was a gay ass child. And look at me now, I am the gayest man since Hilary Clinton and I blame my childhood. Mostly the music I grew up with, so to kick off my series of top 10s, here is the Top 10 Songs That Made Me A Gay Child

10. It’s All Coming Back To Me Now- Celine Dion

9. Vogue- Madonna

8. Barbie Girl- Aqua

7. Tomorrow from Annie

6. Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats from...you guessed it Cats

5. Material Girl- Madonna

4. Spice Up Your Life- The Spice Girls

3. …Baby One More Time- Britney Spears

2. Over The Rainbow from The Wizard of Oz

1. Part of Your World from The Little Mermaid

Love is But A Song...Sung By Rebecca Black Part 1

Love Is But A Song…Sung By Rebecca Black

By Chris Calfa

         Everybody knows that love sucks more than a stripper on Twink Tuesday at Splash Club NYC. Some people make the dumbest mistakes of their life like lie about their age (making themselves 7 years younger), moving in with their significant other after dating for an inconsecutive 10 months, or losing their virginity at 15 years old in the back of a car in their middle school parking lot.

         Yes my friends have had some of the dumbest relationships, but I whose longest has only been a month can truly say that in my 30 months as a fully out homosexual that I have had some interesting experiences while dipping in the dating pool, and it’s okay to share them since I’m not obligated to be friends with any of these guys on Facebook…I’m pretty sure half of them don’t have one.

         I don’t like to say I’m extremely good looking, but I’m going to say it anyway. And I don’t know what it is that has all the weirdoes, creeps, freaks, criminals, black guys, 50 year olds, and lesbians so infatuated with me. Trust me I’ve attempted to ask out attractive men, but they are all either dating, idiotic, or straight.

         There have been many dates where I wondered, “What was I on to say yes to this guy”. There was this one guy who was so obsessed with France and French people that I wanted to hurl and say “Au Revoir” before he made me walk while I was very hung over from 60^th and Lexington all the way to fucking Union Square, in flip flops. Worst part was he said he does not like Disney Movies. Then there was this other guy who said he could only date virgins…so basically he either thought I was 11 years old or a Jonas brother. And there was some guy who I met at a Ricky’s looking for a Halloween costume whose name was Bob.

         For gay men it’s hard to meet people in civilization so the best way to meet that special someone is on a sleazy dating website. As I watched the success of one of my best friends from college I realized if HE could find love maybe I can too! So I decided to join OkCupid, I’ve had a few dates from there but nothing worth talking about…except for this one.

         Well first of all, this guy was messaging me but in the way a second grader would show his sign of affection, by being a total asshole. And of course being the desperate fucker I am I decided to respond. And I was probably drunk that night and he somehow got my number. And that was the beginning of a very small chapter in my life called “27 Minutes in Hell”. By the title you should be able to tell tat the date only lasted 27 minutes. And here’s the chronology of it.

         So this was back in December of 2010 when I has hair similar to Ariel, but the people on OkCupid didn’t know that. So one night I’m out with my friend Evan, his boyfriend of the time, and the boyfriend’s best friend from home. I get a text message from this asshole from OkCupid, who we will call “DipShit”. He said something about getting out of work early and that he’d want to see me. Now granted, I couldn’t tell what he looked like in his picture so this could’ve been a good opportunity to find out what he looked like. All three of them encouraged me to meet him up. We devised a plan in case it was or wasn’t working, either way, that they’d call me exactly a half hour after meeting up with him and say it’s an “emergency”, which to us normally involves Britney Spears.

         I was in Hell’s Kitchen and he told me he worked for a Broadway show, and being an aspiring costume designer I thought if I slept wit this guy I could get some good connections in the industry. I have too high of expectations. At least I didn’t have to take a subway or a bus to see DipShit, because he was not worth $2.25. It was about 8PM on a Saturday, in December, in Times Square. Was this fucker trying to sufficate me with misery? I think so. First of all Times Square is so annoying on a normal day, let alone on a weekend night right before holidays. I don’t know anybody who lives in this damn city who thinks that’s a sensible idea. After going the wrong way and cutting through millions of idiotic tourists who stopped every two steps to take a picture of fucking pavement and feeling like I’m drowning both physically and mentally I finally got to the fucking theater. After standing in front of the theater for a good 5 minutes like a schmuck, I get a text from DipShit saying he’s at the Bank of America, which was in the direction I came from. DipShit was really starting to piss me off and I haven’t even seen him yet. At 8:07 PM I see a figure wearing one of those terrible hats with the fussy thing on top as if we’re from South Park and it’s socially acceptable to wear one of those. Of course it turned out to be DipShit who had a striking resemblance to Steve Carrel. Strike 1. He doesn’t even say “Hi” or “You look really pretty” he just says “Let’s go to Starbucks”. Now I live by Chelsea Handler’s philosophies and I believed this philosophy way before I knew who she was- Coffee doesn’t lead to shit. If you really want me to like you you’re going to have to buy me about 4 Jack and Cokes.

         So I said “I’m not a big coffee drinker”. He didn’t seem to care. So I asked him what he did for the show, thinking he had some say in something there. His response was “I’m an usher”. Strike 2. In the Starbucks was “A Charlie Brown Christmas” CD, and I commented on how cute it was. He looked at me as if I had seven heads as he chomped down on his scone. I naturally didn’t get anything from that nasty place…also they had no Mini Sparkle Doughnuts. He asked me why my hair was red and I explained to him on how much I love The Little Mermaid. In his head he was probably thinking- Strike .5. He then had the balls to say to me that Ariel is lame. Strike 2.5. This ass muncher was going down.

         But then he asked me if I wanted to get something to eat. I said yes thinking I was getting a semi-classy meal paid for me by DipShit. That fantasy dissolved as we headed towards a quaint little shop titled “99 Cent Pizza”. He ordered us 2 slices of regular pizza, as I was texting an S.O.S. to Evan, DipShit tapped my shoulder and said “Give me a dollar.” “Why?” I asked. “Because I’m really low on cash.” DipShit was definitely one weird Jew or just a cheapskate. But of course how much money can you have when you’re a 26-year-old usher. I reluctantly gave him the dollar I wanted to shove up his throat along with four Tic Tacs and a Zolpidem. He asked me how the pizza was and I truthfully said “It’s slammin’.” “Huh?” “It’s something me and my friends say when something’s really good.” He looked at me with eyes that a Penn State coach would give to the cast of Super 8 and said “That seems more complicated than just saying ‘good’.” You know what, the word “slammin’” may be more complicated that “good”, but using that word in the way I wanted to have his head and the curb interact with eachother was way more simple. When we walked out of the pizza place he said “Okay, see you later.” And walked away. I stood there for about 2 minutes and started to laugh like an audience member of “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” when the old guy isn’t on. I looked at the time on my phone and it was 8:34PM. The date was 27 minutes. I called Evan’s boyfriend and he answered with “How’s the date going? Do need me to call in?” “No, I’m coming over right now and I need all of you to have sympathy for me.”

Home

As Dorothy once said , theres no place like home, Friends is on Nickelodeon and now Is ee what I've missed by not having a tv in colege

Toothless Woman of the Year

Last night I got incredibly drunk for my friend Lauren's Birthday and we went to our regular place in Chelsea that is surprisingly not gay. So we're all drinking having a good time, especially me with my 4 Jack and Cokes and grilled cheese. Towards the end of the night we were taking pictures and then out of nowhere some toothless woman was I think making fun of us but it was a little hard to understand her with only one front tooth. Then she started petting me like on of her 34 predictable cats and that's when the fun began...

Are You There Jack Daniels? It's Me Chris Calfa

I hate the world. Chelsea Handler helped me realize it after reading her book I ripped off the title from Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea. I just spent 20 minutes trying to break into my room using my ID, force of power, and a bobby pin i borrowed from a freshman girl across the hall from me. Thank you Asshole who broke into peoples rooms my freshman year and stole peoples laptops, because of you we have autolocks on our fucking doors. I called it this title because that's exactly what I was thinking the entire time I had to walk down to the security desk to get it unlocked. Of course I'm getting charged extra, and by the look of the guards face when he saw my battered and scratched ID from trying to screw the lock, I am not on a good list...this would be a great story to tell all my children who will probably be Brad and Angelina's nieces and nephews.

In Their Shoes: A Disney/Star Wars Loving Queer Who Needs A Beer

In Their Shoes: Disney/Star Wars Loving Queer who Needs a Beer

When people are in my presence, it is obvious they are intimidated. I mean what’s not to be jealous of? I’m single, slightly overweight, I’m an impeccable dresser with my collection of nostalgic tee shirts and sweatshirts, and the best part is I’m an upperclassman who lives at the wondrous 55^th. Yes, my life is quite the glamorous one, about as glamorous as Kim Kardashian’s as of October31st.

It takes a lot to piss me off , but there are about Sweet 16 specific types of people who do truly piss me off. These are the people I truly would punch in the face if I had a chance to without getting arrested:

1.     People Who Don’t Drink.

2.     Bitches who complain about their lives when they don’t realize that somewhere a woman has just stepped into a pile of dog-shit with her new $700 Jimmy Choos.

3.     Men who carry Louis Vuitton bags.

4.     Girls who think they’re fat and they’re a size 6.

5.     People who assume I watch Glee.

6.     Misleading Metro-Sexuals.

7.     Gingers who spray-tan.

8.     80% of the student body of Marymount Manhattan College.

9.     Anybody of any age that wears Abercrombie & Fitch by choice after the year 2007.

10.  People Who Don’t Drink.

11.  Morons who think you have an extra chromosome if you are a homosexual.

12.  David Hasselhoff.

13.  Avatar Fans.

14.  Tourists.

15.  The entire state of Vermont.

16.  People who don’t listen to my radio show “The Chris Calfa Show” Tues. @2 on WMMC Griffin Radio.

Yeah I have a radio show, but you all probably don’t know that because

you’re too busy watching The “Real” Housewives on Hulu. I don’t know what has happened to our generation, but let’s just say when I was in Pre-School, I went to one called something like “St. Judes School For Special Children” or some shit like that, and now I feel like a 50 year old scholar compared to some of these people. Like this one girl I met freshman year, let’s just call her “Bananas”.

Well, I had some friends in Bananas dorm room at 55^th freshman year, and this one night we were staying true to the Long Islanders we were tossing back booze, and Bananas already struck me as a scholarly piece of work with her vague spacey expressions and her excitement from meeting my good Asian lesbian friend, wondering just how sex works for her. She believed if she covered her face in a picture, nobody would recognize her. Bitch, that’s what tagging is for. Bananas was a piece.

 Well anyway, as for me, some of my roommates and my friends who resided with Bananas were drinking in her kitchen one night. Bananas made this lovely statement. “I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke or do any drugs.” I couldn’t help but to glare in confusion, she continued, “I just have a lot of sex.” I was so sure I found a diamond in the rough. “Why?” I asked. Bananas responded, “Well you gotta have sex!” True, but without alcohol it’s not as fun. I being the religiously ignorant person I am, at the time the vodka was telling me it was a good reasonable question from what I learned on Family Guy. I asked her “Are you a Mormon?” she quickly responded to my idiotic question in a serious tone “I’m not blonde.” At this point my roommate, Danny, and I fell to the floor and I needed CPR for how much I was laughing. I was like Osama Bin Laden but instead of water, I was drowning in my own laughter.

Confused by our honest opinions of her brain, Bananas said “I thought that Mormons are the ones with blonde hair and blue eyes, right?”  While I cackled similar to Ed from The Lion King, I informed her that that’s Aryan. Believing she was right, Bananas stated that Aryans were people from Asia. And at this point, I was crying more than when Marissa Cooper died.

I really had such high hopes coming to college about being not one of the smarter people, I mean I’m still not but compared to Bananas I was fuckin’ Mark Zuckerberg. But I still make choices that put me on a scale of genius with Snooki, Paris Hilton, and the people on the subway that go car to car asking for spare change. Like just recently, I got my first spray tan. And it was partially not by choice. See one of my best friends here, let’s call him Carrot. Now Carrot believes the best looking people are blonde with tan skin, which is what he strives for. But unfortunately for him he is as ginger as Deborah Messing and Ron Weasley’s love child. So he does the nasty and idiotic process of spray tanning to make his pale skin to perfectly match his orange hair.  So you can imagine why we call him Carrot. Well he works at Beach Bum and he convinced me to get my first spray tan ever, which being Sicilian I should be against. But He got me with the “whiter teeth” bargain so foolishly went with it. But of course I don’t want to pay $75 to be 5 shades darker, and he was training so much like an 8^th grader trying to get with a 7^th grader, I was his practice dummy.

 I wore orange underwear so I wouldn’t worry about tinted tighty whiteys. A spray tan feels like being blown by a mist of cool brown liquid…I need better phrasing. Little would I know that I had to get 2 layers of spray. His teacher did one layer and he did the next. Besides some darker spots I thought I looked dark the next day, like a beautiful gypsy. But I didn’t listen when they briefly mentioned showering 6-8 hours after the spray. Let’s just say when I woke up the next morning I was ready to go work at Willy Wonka’s factory. The tan hasn’t gone away fully and I swear to revenge on Carrot. Carrot, you better watch your fuckin’ back.

If you have read up to this point, good for you. If you enjoyed my wonderful Fairy Tales, you can hear more crap like this on “The Chris Calfa Show” on WMMC Griffin Radio, Tuesdays at 2 and check out the Facebook page Chris Calfa, no not Khris Kalfa, only like that if you want my rants on Kristen Stewart being Snow White and pics of me with Joseph Gordon Levitt. If you didn’t enjoy this you can go fuck yourself <3.

I Suck.

I am so bad at this blog it's incredible. Well, I should get better habits... I wonder if people actually read this..

Kruel Newskasts with the Kardashians

I love the Kardashians, and this is horrible yet hilarious!!!! Watch as this newsreporter mocks my 2nd and 3rd favorite of the 3 girls!

For Once.

For once I'm on Dr. Phil's side. I never liked him but after this interview I found on Perez

Oh What A.... Night

The world of fashion has always been a mysterious thing, especially when men find it necessary to prance around in booty shorts and Ke$ha inspired eyeliner. Well. I attended my first legit fashion show that did not take place in my high school commons. It would've been my second if I succeeded in sneaking into the Mercedes Benz Tent a year ago today in 2009. Well, I was told that the Armenian Angels of America, The Kardashian Sisters would be there...but of course it was only Kim's giant of a hubby Kris Humphries supporting his sister who was a model on the runway and quite a smash. Gorgeous full figured woman his sister is. And who should appear on the runway with a slight wardrobe malfunction, but the Super Sexxxy CoCo, Ice T's wife. She was pretty fierce but being a SVU fan I was a little more excited about Ice T. Not gonna lie. Alongside I got to meet the first out of the X amount of girls from my fav show America's Next Top Model to be truly gorgeous and not scary looking in real life! Look under to see the pics of me with Kasia from Cycle 16 of Top Model, and an artistic and clear portrait of Kris and his parents taken on a cell phone. Goodnight

Gender Identity With The Stars

So I just read this on Perez. God, I have no idea where some doctors make their conclusions. I'm not sure that 1. A 5 year old kid is going to know that Chaz Bono is a transgender 2. know what a Transgender IS 3. Understand the controversy at such a young age. I'm no doctor but I would think that "GID" starts with more understandable media for children such as let's say "The Little Mermaid". I can guarantee right now somewhere there is a transgender woman out there around my age who grew up idolizing Ariel and her "transformation"when they were a young boy and could connect with her for feeling like they weren't born in the right body and yearning for that happiness of their own identity. Well anyway, I don't watch DWTS but Parents, it's okay to let the kids watch, it'll just go right over their heads depending on their age. In the article they were talking like very young kids anyway.

Oh and stop being harsh to Chelsea, she's a comedian, that's they're job, they have nothing to lose.

Hello Blog World

Okay So.... here it is. Chris Calfa's starting his blog. Not sure if it'll be constant with my hectic life consisting of facebook and drinking. But here it is. Ignore the gay-ass name, it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm gay... and I like Wizard of Oz... And I mean come one, like if you actually know me it makes some sort of sense but whatever, we're not getting into details here. Oh but while you're reading this, I would consider checking out my YouTube Channel, just click thumbs up for the damn videos and sit through them. I sat through Avatar for you people it's the least you can do! I can teach you how to make super hetero beverages such as the Tinker Bell and Sleeping Beauty and give you a heart-filled reading from Twilight. Basically you need it in your life as much as we need poison ivy and Snooki. My YouTube Channel!!! ...... so I hope people actually read this too. Cheers!